Fast & Furious Final Film Reportedly Features a PS5 Heist

TopGear.com’s travelling correspondent, Cory Spondent, brings his largely inaccurate motoring-world exclusives.

Fast & Furious returns to its street-racing roots

According to sources, the last Fast & Furious film will see a tightly bonded group of car fanatics deploy modified cars worth $500,000 to seize lorries transporting $600 PS5 consoles.

Eager to leave behind the frantic, far-fetched territory of global espionage, explosions and baffling dialogue, the blockbuster series’ creators reportedly decided to revisit the modest appeal of the first film.

Having considered countless narrative ideas – from Toretto and the gang launching a restomod firm for classic 911s, to wrecking a town’s ominous EV charging network, or trying to lower the interior temperature through a contemporary touchscreen – the filmmakers chose to target Sony’s PlayStation 5, today’s essential bit of technology.

“This whole thing has gotten a little out of hand of late, no?” an insider close to production said. “Swinging across ravines in two-tonne cars, endless runways that unfold before you like the very fabric of the universe, towing bank vaults through congested city streets using super strong cables, the whole ‘space’ thing and… well, yeah. You get it.

“We’ve been desperate to bring it right back to its roots, but people kept lapping up stuff like a car jumping through skyscrapers or obscenely muscled adult men simply shrugging off fatal beat downs using garage tools and heavy concrete.

“Now’s the time – God, let it be time – to rein it all in. Thing is, today’s audience doesn’t understand what a ‘DVD’ is, let alone a DVD player, so we’ll do the modern equivalent, but pay homage to the original movie by using insanely modified and already expensive cars to do so. And deploy a really convoluted method of bringing down these trucks as opposed to just… blocking the road?

PS5 lorries, bulldozers and an AI army

“Anyway. Parts are super expensive now because… inflation? Yeah, kids love a bit of inflation in movies. So the team have to steal loads of PS5 trucks. But that’s not enough. So we’ll get them to break into a factory that makes PS5s. But then they steal the factory using modified bulldozers and simply pick the entire building up.

“But then the building is secretly a government test facility for an AI army so the team take on a million humanoid robots using only their fists and quips like ‘how you do like them piston rings’ when suddenly the robots join forces to make a super robot shaped like a giant off-road troop carrier and then suddenly the robots escape to take over the country and then Dom and co will have to take down the government but the robots win and take over the world so Dom flies into outer space and destroys them all using a souped-up laser from the International Space Station while the team back on Earth have a big shoot-out with military helicopters but somehow avoid the death ray from above and then everything explodes until nobody is left.

“Then we’ll bring them all back in slo-mo dressed in evening wear for some reason and they’ll just-

“Oh, right,” the insider sighed. “Maybe we just watch them restore an old Nissan for two hours? But only using guns and headbutts?”